[Leeney]

Back in the day, we had a thread going on the Support forum called Life Ricers begun by those of us who were at goal weight and participated in by anyone who cared to join in. This time around, I thought I'd just share my journey in this way, on a personal thread.

First of all, a word about the weight itself. I was at 139 this morning and think that I could probably lose another couple of pounds and still be fine. I was at 136 when I first lost on the RD. My top weight was about 210, although I stopped weighing myself at about 206. My lowest weight, as an adult, was 118 after my second child was born. At that weight, I still thought I was fat because I had these little pouches on my thighs that poofed out when I sat!! What does that tell you about how messed up I was in my relationship with food and body image?

So, at this time, I feel drawn to focus on the emotional and spiritual components of the RD. It is my firm belief that we cannot achieve lasting weight loss unless we address the issues that cause us to eat. If it were simple, we'd just decide to lose weight and then do it. How many of us have done that? Not me. My path has been full of ups and downs and twists and turns, progress and setbacks. As I mentioned on the Feb. Challenge thread, my goal for the month is to share my journey as I work through the book A Course in Weight Loss by Marianne Williamson.

Just to give you some foundation, I'll mention some principles that guide the lessons in the book. 1) the body is neutral; it causes nothing; it is completely an effect, not a cause. 2) poor diet and lack of exercise do not cause excess weight. Mind is the cause, body is the effect. 3) the cause of excess weight is fear which is a place in the mind where love is blocked. 4) fear expresses itself as subconscious urges to eat or engage in other unhealthy activities. Weight will be permanently healed when fear is rooted out. The opposite of fear is love.

[Sarah1466]

very nice. I am going to repeat that to myself. (the fear component). I am so excited for you. I too, (like most) need to work on body image. The media does not portray a healthy image of the feminine form. I need to internalize that I will NEVER look like that....in fact it is unhealthy to look like that. I will always have SKIN to contend with...even if I am totally devoid of fat!! Congrats Leeney! This thread will be some of my morning medication!!

[nanacoon]

Congratulations Leeney on reaching your goal..... now comes the "hard" part on maintenance. Sending admiration your way. Bonnie

[Leeney]

Bonnie, you're so right! Now for the hard part! You might like this book. I just got done rereading the first lesson and said to myself, 'yup, that's step one.'

I'm going to try to paraphrase some main ideas from each lesson as I go along, and hopefully that will help me to incorporate it and stimulate some ideas in others. Any quotes I use will be from the book unless otherwise noted.

The first lesson is 'Tear Down the Wall.' Williamson asks us to take a close and careful look at the bricks we have used to build a protective wall around ourselves: shame, anger, fear, greed, jealously, pride, stress, etc. She goes on to say that this wall was put in place subconsciously by fear to separate us from others. The weight we are trying to let go of was added to our mind before it was added to our body. And when it's gone from our mind, it will be gone from our body. What has happened is that our painful thoughts and feelings have been frozen instead of being processed and let go. What she calls our 'psychological waste removal' system is on the blink, and we may try to rid ourselves of these painful thoughts and feelings like shame, anger, sadness by 'eating' them.

There are only two kinds of thoughts...those of love and those of fear, and as we identify and let go of fear thoughts and surrender them to God, Higher Power, Divine Mind or Cosmic Glue (whatever you want to call 'it') love is what comes forth. Loving thoughts lead to wholesome eating. But it's not enough to identify the pain, we also have to surrender it for healing, e.g. 'God, I am so embarrassed about that situation. I place everything that happened and all my feelings about it in your hands. Please help me see it differently.' By surrendering, we begin the process of dismantling the wall.

The first exercise is to take the 25 or so 'bricks' she lists...such as anger, dishonesty, etc...and write in a journal as honestly and completely as we can, what is true for us about each. When done, we reflect and pray asking the God of our understanding to remove the wall brick by brick, admitting that we can't do it on our own.

Williamson's point of view works for me. I believe that we are not humans trying to become spirit, but spirit that has become human. So it makes perfect sense to me that I need to approach my difficulties from the top down. One thing I have learned along the way that coincides with Williamson is that if I have a problem I can confront it at the spiritual level and deal with it. If I don't do that, the problem will manifest at the mental/emotional level and I can deal with it there. If I choose not to do that, it will show up at the physical level as weight, illness, etc.

I also like how she talks about 'letting go' of weight. As a yogi, I learned that I don't ever have to give up anything. I just let go and move on.

[MonicaC]

Thanks so much Leeney for your fabulous post it is so much an internal job to make this process work long term. God knows how many "diets" I have been on over the years. I appreciate the time you are putting in to read and post about it. It is interesting the cycle of the frustration and then overeating weight gain then leads to more frustration and then you go around and around spiraling up the scale. It is good to stop the insanity by dealing with your true feelings of what the false belief is that you have to correct so that you can move on. Yes, I believe we are spirit and so starting there making sense. Love and Light.

[nanacoon]

Thanks for your wonderful post Leeney, I copied and printed it out so I wouldn't lose track of it. It's something that we all need to deal with... My reasons for eating are ALL in my head, and it's impossible for me to lose weight until I deal with the MIND. It has nothing to do with Willpower. Thanks so much for sharing. Bonnie

[karolinakat]

Funny how the mind is so much harder to work with than the body! But when you find the way, it is amazing what you can accomplish.

[Leeney]

I appreciate your responses so much, Monica, Bonnie, and Kat. Makes me feel like I'm not just talking to myself!

Today's lesson is called Thin You, Meet Not-thin You and it's about learning to love the part of us that overeats. The premise is that we are a mosaic of parts. We are not the same person at work as we are at home or at a football game. In overeaters, food is an area where we have been wounded. Fear has infected our nervous system like a computer virus and scrambled our settings. What's good and healthy may seem boring while what's unhealthy or harmful may seem good and comforting. "This causes confusion so deep that the rational mind alone can't fix it."

Although it sounds counterintuitive to love this overeater because our impulse is to hate and belittle her, that love is what will cause her to disappear. She is fear-based and fear will disappear in the presence of love. So how do we do this? Williamson asks us to imagine two parts of ourselves: a beautiful thin self, and a not-thin self who is also beautiful but in a more ancient way. If we judge her as ugly, we abuse ourselves; we may then feel hurt and go have something to eat! This keeps a chronic pattern of self hate and self sabotage going.

So the not thin self is not the enemy, simply an aspect of ourselves that we shut out and keep hidden. By embracing and honoring her, we are not giving her permission to stay, but enabling her to leave. She won't leave until we listen to her. She has a message for us. She just wants to be integrated, and we need to help her in that, learn to appreciate her and grant her compassion so that she won't need to physically manifest and sabotage us.

The exercise for this lesson is to dialogue with our not-thin self who has disconnected herself from us and is working at cross purposes. Time for peace talks.

I have taught journalling for over 30 years and I can attest to the power of the written dialogue. Williamson urges us to ask our Higher Power to guide the process and to begin just by sharing your truth with your not-thin self. Maybe tell her how she has been ruining your life, how you feel about her, not as an attack, but to communicate. When you are finished, allow her to respond. When I did this exercise last night it was full of surprises and insights for me.

I'm so glad to have you sharing this journey with me!

[karolinakat]

Leeney, on 02 February 2011 - 07:27 PM, said:

I have taught journalling for over 30 years and I can attest to the power of the written dialogue. Williamson urges us to ask our Higher Power to guide the process and to begin just by sharing your truth with your not-thin self. Maybe tell her how she has been ruining your life, how you feel about her, not as an attack, but to communicate. When you are finished, allow her to respond. When I did this exercise last night it was full of surprises and insights for me.

Peace talks, interesting concept! May just try that

[Kaylagal]

Oh Leeney!!!! Words cant speak my apprecation to you dahhhhling! I love reading this thread! THANK YOU - THANK YOU - THANK YOU!!!!


Rhonda

[Leeney]

Kat, let us know if you try the dialogue and how it works for you. I've done journal dialogues to uncover a lot of conflicts and issues. It's a powerful tool.

Rhonda, thanks for your response. It keeps me motivated to do this when I know I'm talking to someone.

Lesson #3 is called Build Your Altar, in which a spiritual principle becomes a living reality, affecting both body and soul. Be willing to consider the possibility that a Higher Power (whatever you choose to call your spiritual principle) can heal you. Williamson suggests we accept the fact that if we could have fixed our overeating problem by ourselves, we would have. I think what most of us do is to try to fight a war against food. What Williamson says is that we need to surrender the struggle. If in the battle of us vs. food, food is winning, perhaps we need an ally stronger that the power of food. She says admitting that "I can't, but God can" will allow us to discover true humility in our powerlessness over food and open us to God's healing.

An aside from me...These lessons are taking a decidedly spiritual bent and my own spiritual journey has been pretty wide-ranging, but I will use the word God instead of trying to find 'politically correct' terms, and just assure people that whatever their concept of a power greater than self is, that is just fine. We're talking spirituality here, which applies to everyone, not religion.

To continue...We need a power big enough to move through the brain, change the nervous system, change patterns and habits, self-image, thoughts about food and about our bodies. When we allow God to be bigger, we allow ourselves to become smaller. Think about it.

At this point, Williamson talks about the weight we carry not only on our bodies, but in our hearts as we have tried to handle our issues on our own. We may subconsciously make ourselves larger in order to contain our large problems. But whatever caused our problems and limitations, we can ask God to dissolve them. By re-establishing our relationship withour Source, we re-establish our relationship with ourselves. We were meant to receive our nourishment from God and as we do, our compulsion to seek it elsewhere diminishes.

The exercise for this lesson is to create a spiritual altar in our heart and a physical one in our home. Fear already has an altar...the kitchen, so we dismantle it by first praying that our kitchens be home to love only. Rid the kitchen of all trigger foods, anything unhealthy, and fill it with colorful, nutritious foods; family and friends can help. Williamson goes on to recommend that we also create an altar for love in our homes...maybe just a chair and a table...and fill it with meaningful objects-books, pictures, sacred objects. This becomes an expression of our love and devotion. The message is not'Don't think so much about food,' but 'Think more about God.'

Remember that fear will try to pull you back and it has endless patience. Post enough angels around your house that it can't get in.

The point of this lesson is that we release everything to God, not just our weight.

My experience with this lesson is pretty impressive. First of all, and I think I talked about this on the forum someplace when I did it, I changed my home office last year into a yoga retreat, since I no longer need it for work. I love it. It's beautiful and peaceful, and I use it daily. It's full of things that have meaning for me. But the most intriguing thing is the altar in my heart. For the past couple of days I notice that I am consciously seeking out God more during the day and turning to him when I feel myself getting upset, or just need to refocus. Things have seemed to fall into place for me. I have had upsets and outbursts because "Love will bring up everything unlike itself." It's part of the process, but I have been able to see it for what it is; not always in the moment. Just eventually.

Sanuk, sanuk everyone.

[MonicaC]

Hello Dear Leeney, I love this alter concept. I find the this awareness does lead us back to God. It is a struggle in which we are not alone and
it is good to be reminded of this with photos, I bought a calendar this year with angels photos on it. It is a good reminder that they are present thought we may not see them, we can ask for divine intervention to get through our difficult moments. It is something I knew so well when I was a child and felt very connected and it is nice to be returning to this.

[karolinakat]

Hi Leeney, really thought about lesson 2 last night, may take a while but I'm working on it

[Sarah1466]

I have had a very hectic week, so just read lessons 1-3 just now. Shouldn't be reading these at work.
As I sit here crying.
(mourning?)
(recognizing myself...as if seeing in a mirror with no shadows?)
thank you.

I particularly like the 2nd lesson, the ancient woman inside you.......i still can't type through the tears. That really struck me (good thing I can touch type!)
I have such low low low self worth. And I know (in my rational mind) that is dumb....but I have NEVER been able to embrace that in my heart.

I need work. Big time.
Thank you, Leeney. So much.

[nanacoon]

Good Morning Leeney, Just wanted to let you know that I am definitely going to pick up a copy of that book to read. When I attended my first meeting of Overeaters Anonymous, I was over whelmed when I first heard about committing to a Higher Power - I thought the meeting had a lot of religious aspects to it and wondered if it really was what I needed and was looking for. I kept going back to each meeting and realized that it's only as spiritual as you want it to be. I had a problem thinking that my Higher Power could be GOD as I figured he was much too busy with more important things than ME... so I used the group of people I met with to be my higher power and gradually I have turned it all over to GOD. I realized that I wanted a special place to pray, meditate, contemplate, whatever... so I did create my Altar which consists of a bentwood glider that sits off by itself over a warm floor register next to the sliding glass door overlooking a beautiful natural scene of birds, squirrels, wild turkeys, deer, pine trees and snow. I look forward every morning to sitting in my Prayer Chair talking to my Higher Power releasing my worries, asking for help, thanking my HP for all that I have. I read a passage yesterday from Voices of Recovery that mentioned wrapping yourself in God's Love, and got the idea of making myself a prayer shawl. I have made dozens of prayer shawls that I've donated to local churches - but never even thought about making one for myself. I have now started that project. As I've said before, I'm a firm believer that our weight problems have all started in our heads, and that's what we need to be working on instead of trying just will power alone. I'm so glad you started this thread. I LOVE my O.A. group, and I LOVE the Rice Diet ... the combination of the two is unbeatable. Bonnie

[Kaylagal]

I have just the room in mind for my "ALTAR". Right now it has an un-used eliptical machine in there and lots of (un-used) exercise DVDs along with a TV. I am going to shop for the most feminine easy chair I can find and that small room will be mine. Nobody else is using it and it has beautiful hard wood floors and french doors to let the sun, etc. in. I am so glad I have left it empty FOR ME!!! Time to be a little selfish. Now if I can just keep the guys out of there while I meditate. I expect powerful things to come out of that room!

Thanks again Leeney!

Rhonda

[Leeney]

Oh, I just love your responses!

Monica, anything we can do to remind ourselves of our divine connection is wonderful.

Kat, I did another dialogue this morning with my thin self, and, like Sarah, I was writing through tears.

Sare, my heart goes out to you. When I began this work, years and years ago, my self-esteem was lower than whale poop. You are such a beautiful person. Stay with us. We'll help you to see yourself as you really are.

Bonnie and Rhonda, my old friends...I mean my long-time friends! Your altars, current or planned sound wonderful. I attached some beautiful bookshelves to one wall in my room, I'm such an avid reader, and filled them with my favorite journalling and spiritual books as well as pictures, plants, my current journals and other memorabilia. I have a beautiful floor mirror that I use during my yoga practice, plus incense and candles, my meditation chair and some floor pillows. I feel at ease as soon as I enter the room and my sense of self aligns.

I wasn't going to do the lesson right now, but I might as well, since I'm typing away, and we're going out tonight, so I may be rushed then. I'm trying to be brief in communicating these lessons and I know I don't do the book justice. She goes into much more detail in her explanations and gives lots of examples, so if you're interested in delving deeper, check out the book.


Lesson #4 is Invoke the Real You...by seeing a new possibility, we invoke it. 'Instead of allowing appearances to dictate what is real, you can decide what you think is real.' I LOVE this idea! We have spiritual eyes, not just physical ones. 'Once we see who we really are, we can permit the real us to come forth.' The real you, Williamson says, is neither fat nor thin, but rather spirit, energy with no material density. The more we identify with this being, the lighter we will feel.

Fear weighs us down and feeds our compulsion. Our deepest fear is not of being fat. According to Williamson, it's fear of being thin and beautiful. She goes on to say that for many, men as well as women, the fear is tied to sex in some way and the way to heal that part of ourselves is to align ourselves with the purity of our spirit. I know that this premise has been true for me, and I also know that unless I address my lingering fears, the weight will come back on. As our fear is reduced, we become more comfortable in our bodies and create a more comfortable body. Our 'real' self, created by God, is both innocent and perfect and the more we make conscious contact with that purity, the more quickly dysfunction, shame and other buried feelings will dissolve. As we exist in God's mind, so we have a twin in the physical world waiting to become manifest. This is your body at its perfect shape and weight.

A spiritual practice is the way back to the real you. Prayer, meditation, compassion and forgiveness hasten the healing process. Spirit move things including biological forces. It removes things as well...like fear. Fear has been making our choices, but the more we align with our real selves, that's who will be making our choices, and the real self always chooses love. Choosing to eat wisely is an act of self-love. When we overeat or choose unwisely, we are withholding love.

Invoking the real you begins with imagining a thinner you...allowing yourself this dream. Find a picture of yourself when your weight was what you want it to be now, or get a picture from a magazine and put your face on it. You're allowing your heart to own what it really wants. The more you embrace the image of your beauatiful body, the more your subconscious will manifest it. You are not trying to be someone else, simply invoking the archetypal beauty that we all are. Make sure there are copies of this picture in your kitchen and other places in your home. Every time you look at that picture, you're inviting your inner thin person to come out.

The exercise: Start relating to your thin self now...this means you, Sarah. Write a letter to her in your journal, just as you wrote the letter to the not-thin you in Lesson 2. Tell her what you think of her and if necessary why you've been scared of her. Then let her write back telling you what she needs in order to come forth.

I did this exercise this morning and was surprised at how fearful and sad I was when confronting the me that is all that I can be. I think I haven't let myself dream big. I remember growing up I was often told what I couldn't have or couldn't do, and I think I just stopped wanting along the way. Lots of tears on this one.

Thanks again for sharing this journey.

[Sarah1466]

I need to start at the beginning again.
I ordered the book and also a meditation CD companion. Both are on sale at Amazon for anyone who wants one. Book was 14.97 I think.

I have always been a terrible journal-er. I have tried in the past....I can journal food...what I ate, how many points or sodium it has. But, I have never been good at journalling long term.
So...for my February goal, I am going to get this book....and do it along (well, behind) of you Leeney.
My handwriting doesn't go as quickly as my brain, but I think that the point is to perhaps focus and SLOW DOWN a bit....to journal.
I will have to ask your advise Leeney.

But....thank you.

[MonicaC]

Thanks so much Leeney for sharing. It is a journey really to love oneself. I find this still challenging to think that I am enough just as I am. I am choosing to release this extra weight to help myself be healthier and to reclaim parts of myself that I have lost along this journey called life. It takes time and dedicated effort and patience. A truck load of patience to be ok with loving yourself. The connection to our thin self and the connection to our shadow self both are important as the weight was there to protect us or help us deal with difficulty we experienced. It did serve purpose but perhaps that purpose is no longer needed and it is time to shed it. Learning the lessons with you is wonderful. Thanks Leeney for you time to type all this out. Love and Light.

[Leeney]

Quote

It takes time and dedicated effort and patience. A truck load of patience to be ok with loving yourself.

You're so right, Monica. It makes me thankful that my weight loss has always been a bit on the s-l-o-w side because the slow physical progress has given me time for my mental/emotional/spiritual self to catch up. Not that I'm there yet, but going about this slowly and thoughtfully does give us time to assimilate some important truths.

Sarah, thanks for the Amazon tip. I'll have to check it out. Didn't know there was a CD.

About journalling. My first thought is to use the time you have before the book arrives to practice journalling. Kay Adams, whom I've studied with, calls her journal the 79 cent therapist! I've done it both on the computer and longhand. Each has it's place, but I usually prefer longhand. It does force me to slow down and there's something about the tactile sensation I get from pen and paper that I like and find satisfying. Think of your journal as a dear friend; one who listens non-judgmentally and only talks when you want her to. And there are no rules. Spelling doesn't matter, grammar doesn't matter, penmanship doesn't matter. What does matter is that you enjoy the freedom of knowing you can't make a mistake.

Since I seem to be on a roll I'll just share a few things that have helped me. It helps to begin with a few moments of focused quiet. Maybe ask for guidance or set an intention. I always date my entries...have to have some outlet for my compulsivity, and it has come in handy. Write quickly! It helps you to tap into your intuitive side. Don't overthink, don't stop, just keep writing. Your intuition will lead you where you need to go. And tell the truth. I usually recommend beginning with what I call the five minute sprint where you just write continually for five minutes and then stop. If you've written something that hits a chord, begin another sprint with that thought. You might want to start your writing with a statement or question that is on your mind. 'Why do I keep sabotaging myself?' or 'I'm afraid I'll never be able to do this.' Trust your inner wisdom to take you where you want to go.

I'm now stepping down from my lectern!

Later...